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Written by Lisanka Martínez, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Venezuela
When we read in Ephesians 4:29 "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (NIV), it is necessary to keep in mind that it is a command for all Christians in all times, places, and circumstances. Because of this, we notice the commitment that it represents to be able to express ourselves, as the Word indicates, so that our speech is edifying for those who listen to us, always avoiding the opposite.
This commitment, I confess, has been an uphill struggle for me on several occasions, and incredibly more so in my life as a Christian. Before I studied the Word, when I read or listened to this verse, it seemed to me to be directed at people who were mean in their language, uncontrolled, or who always spoke with malice and double meanings, offending and mocking others. I thought it was not addressed to me, who, although I said a bad word from time to time, tried to be careful where and to whom I said it, being respectful of the people with whom I had some contact.
Later, as a Christian, I remember an anecdote that happened to me during a discipleship class in which I participated shortly after being baptized.
I arrived 15 minutes early to the meeting set for 8 a.m. and I found only the sister in charge of the class who had been there since 7:30 a.m. The rest of the group arrived in a span of half an hour. Much later, the sister who led the class was the last to arrive with another of the sisters. When I asked them what had happened to them and why they were so late, the accompanying sister told me that it was the time the person in charge had told her because they needed to wait until everyone was there before beginning.
I was very upset, and I let the leader know that I thought it was disrespectful for her to arrive almost an hour late to start the class. My attitude had its immediate response: her face was transformed, and she spent the next half an hour sharing an improvised lecture (with its corresponding biblical passages) in which she explained why a neophyte like me should not call out a more mature woman in the faith. I listened to her speech quietly, still upset, and then we finally moved on to the prepared class material. Of course, nothing she said convinced me that she hadn't disrespected all of us. Being Venezuelan, I should have been used to that characteristic of many of my compatriots: the failure to comply with schedules and the lack of respect for others' time; however, I was not and still am not.
Reflecting on this experience, I now think that she, with more experience in the faith, should have simply apologized to everyone for being late and told me, the insubordinate one, that we would talk more calmly about the subject later, instead of showing that she was in charge and that the rest of us should respect and obey her. In conclusion, we both failed as friends, sisters, and group members.
How many of you have had something like this happen? (I remember a story shared by our sister Michelle where she related a similar experience involving a church trip to the beach, found in the book, In God’s Right Hand). Fortunately, those experiences now seem very distant, and we remember them more objectively, although for everyone in the group that day, it would not have been edifying despite the use of the Bible and the fact that no corrupt words were used.
Studying Social Work, I learned about what it means to be in a group and even more so if we formed a team: the commitment, the level of confidentiality, and cohesion that this implied. It should have been a piece of cake to transfer that to my church groups many years later. However, experience has shown me that I have failed in my commitment to God and to the members of the group because of the way I am, always trying to give instructions about the right way to do or say things without being loving, understanding, and compassionate enough in most cases. My commitment is not only to teach, but also to listen and show the greatest empathy, and I want my face and gestures to reflect the love of Christ and not just my words. Now, I work daily to correct and change with God's help.
Do you hear yourself and your sisters in your small group showing love?
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Written by Brenda Davis, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Arkansas
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph 4:29 NIV)
In Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People® we find Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®. Like almost all of Covey’s highly respected writing, this is based in Scriptural truth: "To answer before listening— that is folly and shame" (Pr 18:13). “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Pr 18:2 ESV).
Hearing is easy. Listening? Not so much. So, what's the difference between hearing someone and listening to them? Hearing is simply being aware that they are speaking. Listening is tuning in to what they are saying in order to understand and respond.
In Matthew 15:10, we find that the Lord called on the crowd to go beyond just hearing His words: “Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand’” (NIV). Job’s friends heard him express his complaints ten times. Still, Job exclaimed: “If only someone would listen to me!” (Job 31:35a NLT). Why? Apparently, they weren’t listening with the intent of understanding.
Hearing, listening, and understanding are used interchangeably in passages such as these:
- “You have neither listened nor inclined your ears to hear, although the Lord persistently sent to you all his servants the prophets” (Jer 25:4 ESV).
- Jesus asked His disciples, "Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear?" (Mk 8:18).
Once you have listened and understood what the speaker is trying to communicate, only then is it time for your response. One of the most familiar passages about listening and responding is found in James 1:19-20: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (NIV). I confess that this is a massive challenge for me. I often answer before listening; if not audibly, I do it in my head and then wait for the first opportunity to jump in with my thoughts. I am preoccupied with something in my life relating to what they are telling me, or forming an argument, a retort, or some “wisdom” or advice I’ll share as soon as they give me an opening. It’s as if what I’m going to say is more important than what they are trying to tell me and they will end up feeling, like Job, “If only someone would listen to me!”
The Scriptures caution us about being more concerned with what we are going to say than with wholly listening.
- “Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them” (Pr 29:20).
- “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Php 2:3-4).
- “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble” (Pr 21:23 ESV).
But what if someone says something hurtful or provocative? That is when we must try to be “slow to become angry” by not reacting in kind. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col 4:6).
When we respond, we have the opportunity to build others up with an encouraging, wise, or inspiring response.
- "Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear" (Pr 25:12).
- “The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary” (Is 50:4a).
- “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1Th 5:11).
- "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Pr 27:17 NIV).
What if you don’t feel that you are qualified or wise enough to give that kind of response? In Janet Dunn’s Discipleship Journal article, “How to Become a Good Listener” she recommends that we should consider
put[ing] more emphasis on affirmation than on answers… Many times, God simply wants to use me as a channel of his affirming love as I listen with compassion and understanding. Often a person can be helped merely by having someone who will listen to [her] seriously. At times what our neighbor needs most is for someone else to know.
Let us commit to creating a culture of listening and responding in our families and other relationships. Silence the smartphone. Don’t stop their story. Block out the distractions. And pray that God will open your ears and minds, and will guide and bless your responses.