Iron Rose Sister Ministries

Written by Kara Benson, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Alabama

A precious camp counselor (we will call her Elizabeth) shared a memorable anecdote with me. Elizabeth had been married, but her husband sadly fell into sin and decided to be with another woman. After time had passed, the other woman wanted to learn about Jesus. Unsure of who else to ask, she approached Elizabeth. Elizabeth said she will never forget sitting in her kitchen, sharing the gospel with the woman who had stolen her husband and wreaked havoc on her life. It was the hardest thing she ever had to do. But saving a soul was more important than her heartache; she set aside her damaged feelings for a higher purpose.

Elizabeth maintained a degree of distance from the other woman to protect her heart. It is okay and healthy to set boundaries with other people. In his podcast Excel Still More, Kris Emerson describes how the apostle Paul did precisely that. Two missionary journey companions he had previously trusted were no longer allowed to travel with Paul after they had deserted him: Demas and John Mark. After traveling with Paul and participating in his ministry, Demas deserted Paul “because he loved this world” (2 Tim. 4:10 NIV). In his previous letter Paul affirmed that God, “wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (1 Tim. 2:4). We see a desire for mercy on those who had deserted him in 2 Timothy 4:16. Despite this desire, Paul could no longer trust Demas and warned Timothy about him.

There can be Christians who we are unable to trust because of their continued bad choices. We still love and care for them. Loss of trust is neither desiring nor determining condemnation; rather, placing boundaries is protection. Scripture teaches, “Do not be deceived: bad company corrupts good character” (1 Cor. 15: 33). We don’t want unhealthy influences in our lives. Having close relationships where we can influence someone for Jesus without being led astray requires balance. Second Corinthians 6:14 instructs us to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. We might think we are strong enough, but we may find out that is not the case.

Therefore, we need to draw and maintain boundary lines. Those on the other side of those boundaries are still valuable people. Jesus teaches that the two greatest commands are to love God and love our neighbor (Mark 12:28-31). When the opportunity presents itself to maintain this balance and teach the truth, we should follow Elizabeth’s example and take it.

In Ecclesiastes, we are reminded of the value of mutual relationships in which “if one falls down, his friends can help him up” (Ecc. 4:9-12). Those we keep close should “help us up” by encouraging our strength and devotion. We can listen to their advice and trust them, for “those who walk with the wise will become wise” (Prov. 13:20). These are the people with whom we regularly communicate and feel safe opening up to. Through forming relationships with the trustworthy and wise, we build a support system that strengthens our faith and gives us the confidence and ability to influence others for Christ.

Due to their immense value, we need to prioritize building and reinvesting in healthy relationships that may have been neglected. This requires observing and appreciating their positive character, bringing them close, and deepening a relationship with them. We may need to take the initiative and discover how we can encourage the other person as well.

Conversely, if there is an unhealthy relationship that is hurting you or your relationship with God, it needs to be addressed. Jesus teaches us to cut off the hand or eye that causes us to sin (Matt. 5:29-30). If you have a relationship with someone who is leading you into sin or working against what you are trying to do for the Lord, it may need to be ended. If it cannot be ended, then limit the time you interact with that person. A little space might help you have a healthier faith and could benefit the other person. Pray, ask for God’s guidance, and read His Word before deciding.

While Paul and Barnabas were preparing for their second missionary journey, Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them. In contrast, “Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company” (Acts 15:38-39).

Paul could not trust John Mark because he had previously abandoned them. Later, however, Paul asked that John Mark be brought to him because John Mark had been “helpful to [him] in [his] ministry” (2 Tim. 4:11). As time passed, change must have taken place. From this, we can learn that there is hope for relationships to be restored. Our God is in the business of redemption and restoration; sometimes in this life, sometimes in the next.

No matter the outcome, “we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him” (Rom. 8:28).

Written by Elina Vath, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Ohio

I have tried to sit down and write multiple times. I’ve questioned what on earth possessed me to choose the topic of “toxic relationships: personal application” even more. I wouldn’t call what I’m feeling “writer’s block” because it’s more of a “writer’s paralysis.” Describing what God has taught me through my experience with toxic relationships means digging in holes that are filled in and covered with grass. It means going to places where I never wanted to return.

But Jesus. My mind goes to Him.

Jesus doesn’t get to forget His relationship with those knowledgeable men in fancy robes who were supposed to back Him up and demanded He be murdered instead. He doesn’t get to forget that one of His closest friends sold Him out for a small satchel of coins. Rather, Jesus ensured that these toxic relationships are documented multiple times, by multiple people—and preserved over the centuries for millions to know.

The pool of evidence that Jesus was on the receiving end of toxicity from those around Him is extensive.

No one knows narcissism, manipulation, deceit, and treachery like Jesus. Those of us who have front-row experience with any or all of these forms of dysfunction can claim that the One we follow knows exactly how it feels. We serve the God-man who sees our suffering, the betrayal, and the hurt, and empathizes. If nothing else I write about gives comfort, let this be it: When we approach Him in prayer, talk to Him, and pour our hearts out to Him, He feels our pain and then promises to give us peace that is beyond understanding.

But what about me?

We live in a fallen world where we are constantly navigating toxicity in our relationships. And none of us are guiltless of exhibiting toxic behaviors. We have all said or done things of a toxic nature. Maybe you were the instigator, maybe you were reacting to something that hurt you. Whatever the situation, identifying your own toxic traits is a huge part of the healing process. I can say for myself that growing and deciding, “I’m not who I used to be,” has been empowering. So, embrace the power of God to transform you, and relish in being someone different now—someone who resembles Jesus a little more.

But they haven’t changed.

There are times when toxic relationships cannot be cut out of your life entirely. When this happens, the healing process will happen again. And again. And again. Because the hurting, manipulation, etc., will not stop. But remember, you have changed. You see through the toxicity. You have changed the patterns of your behavior. You don’t process the daggers the same way you used to, and they don’t have the same effect on you anymore. Don’t let the repeated negative experiences wear you down. Instead, see them as opportunities to get stronger, to build your character. You will see that, in time, the healing will come more quickly.

But I’m weak sometimes.

I hear you, sister. We’ll both take steps back. We’ll both have moments when we revert back to the way we used to be. But hang on. You’ll get better at catching yourself. Laying your weakness at God’s feet means He’ll give you what you need in exchange. Don’t get discouraged in moments of weakness. God doesn’t run out of mercy and grace, and He loves it when you come to Him for help.

My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Cheering you on as you heal!