Written by Brenda Davis, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Arkansas
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Eph 4:29 NIV)
In Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People® we find Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood®. Like almost all of Covey’s highly respected writing, this is based in Scriptural truth: "To answer before listening— that is folly and shame" (Pr 18:13). “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Pr 18:2 ESV).
Hearing is easy. Listening? Not so much. So, what's the difference between hearing someone and listening to them? Hearing is simply being aware that they are speaking. Listening is tuning in to what they are saying in order to understand and respond.
In Matthew 15:10, we find that the Lord called on the crowd to go beyond just hearing His words: “Jesus called the crowd to him and said, ‘Listen and understand’” (NIV). Job’s friends heard him express his complaints ten times. Still, Job exclaimed: “If only someone would listen to me!” (Job 31:35a NLT). Why? Apparently, they weren’t listening with the intent of understanding.
Hearing, listening, and understanding are used interchangeably in passages such as these:
- “You have neither listened nor inclined your ears to hear, although the Lord persistently sent to you all his servants the prophets” (Jer 25:4 ESV).
- Jesus asked His disciples, "Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear?" (Mk 8:18).
Once you have listened and understood what the speaker is trying to communicate, only then is it time for your response. One of the most familiar passages about listening and responding is found in James 1:19-20: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (NIV). I confess that this is a massive challenge for me. I often answer before listening; if not audibly, I do it in my head and then wait for the first opportunity to jump in with my thoughts. I am preoccupied with something in my life relating to what they are telling me, or forming an argument, a retort, or some “wisdom” or advice I’ll share as soon as they give me an opening. It’s as if what I’m going to say is more important than what they are trying to tell me and they will end up feeling, like Job, “If only someone would listen to me!”
The Scriptures caution us about being more concerned with what we are going to say than with wholly listening.
- “Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them” (Pr 29:20).
- “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Php 2:3-4).
- “Whoever keeps his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble” (Pr 21:23 ESV).
But what if someone says something hurtful or provocative? That is when we must try to be “slow to become angry” by not reacting in kind. “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col 4:6).
When we respond, we have the opportunity to build others up with an encouraging, wise, or inspiring response.
- "Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear" (Pr 25:12).
- “The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught, that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary” (Is 50:4a).
- “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up” (1Th 5:11).
- "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" (Pr 27:17 NIV).
What if you don’t feel that you are qualified or wise enough to give that kind of response? In Janet Dunn’s Discipleship Journal article, “How to Become a Good Listener” she recommends that we should consider
put[ing] more emphasis on affirmation than on answers… Many times, God simply wants to use me as a channel of his affirming love as I listen with compassion and understanding. Often a person can be helped merely by having someone who will listen to [her] seriously. At times what our neighbor needs most is for someone else to know.
Let us commit to creating a culture of listening and responding in our families and other relationships. Silence the smartphone. Don’t stop their story. Block out the distractions. And pray that God will open your ears and minds, and will guide and bless your responses.