Written by Elesa Mason, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Texas
Do not be afraid, for I am with you; Do not be afraid for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will also help you. I will also uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Is 41:10 NASB20)
Fear. It’s probably the loudest voice inside my head: Will I ever be enough? Will I always walk with a cane? Will I ever be able to do the things I used to? These thoughts and so many more flood my mind, especially when I am still.
On November 12, 2020, I told my husband I didn’t feel well. Praise God he recognized I was in trouble and called 911. I woke up several days later in the ICU having just been removed from life support. Those days were frightful as my prognosis was uncertain due to numerous blood clots. Our family endured gut-wrenching conversations to say goodbye; conversations I couldn’t reply to or remember.
After seven weeks of recovery, I came home, weak and unable to walk alone. That tremendous loss of freedom meant I couldn’t do anything; things I believed to be my gifts in service to the Lord. And my life lessons didn’t end there; my body was so riddled with arthritis that the following year I endured three joint replacements just to walk. More recovery, therapy, doing nothing, and worst of all, more fears.
I am a half-glass-full gal. I was so grateful for my improvement as I no longer needed a walker! But why was I still unhappy? Why was I angry about walking with a cane? Bottom line: why did God let me stay if He was going to take away my freedom and ability to do what I wanted: things for Him? I prayed fervently, but for so long there was silence. Silence, until I began to listen.
Music has always been the lifter of my soul. Listening stabilizes my mood and centers my mind away from me and on to happier things. Steven Curtis Chapman touched my heart when he sang, “My Redeemer is faithful and true. Everything He has said He will do. And every morning His mercies are new.”
I came to realize that God let me stay here because He is faithful and true. He answered the prayers of many who loved me. He loved me so much that He needed me to stay here longer, not because He still had much for me to do, but because I still had much to learn about myself and my place in His Kingdom that I could still do with a cane.
But before any of that, I had to deal with my faith.
Faith is the antithesis of fear. Fear made me question everything about the unknown. Faith is belief that God has my unknowns in His hands because He says He does. The prophet and musician Asaph sang “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart” (Ps 73:26). After years of stillness, I realized I was not connecting to God through his Word other than snippets that blessed me. Paul teaches “Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the Word of God” (Ro 10:17).
God wants me to rely on Him without reservation. It took God out of the equation when I felt responsible for all the good things I had done. I believe that rain came into my life for a reason; I needed to appreciate the Son. So, I try each day to recognize and praise God for everything in my life by going into his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise. God gives me protection and strength but praising Him must come first.
By taking small opportunities to show the love of Christ, conversing with God on a more intimate level, and daily consuming His Word, I am emerging from a me-centered world to one full of possibilities. I still slide back into jealousy when I see pictures of friends skiing or taking walks along the beach. The old Elesa emerges with questions of “why me?”.
God loves me dearly and chose my specific path with all its hills and valleys. His “still small voice” in my quiet moments keeps me centered and focused on the truth. His truth. I continue to do what I can to strengthen my body. But as His precious creation, His truth is I am enough, whether I walk with a cane or not.
My fears are gradually giving way to faith. He has always been faithful and always will be. I look forward to the future God has for me. If I keep Him in my heart and mind, He will never leave me or forsake me, and I believe Him! And so, I use music to fill my soul and remain Christ-centered. What about you?