Written by Chrystal Goff, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Arkansas, and sister of Michelle J. Goff
“… The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me…” (Gal 2:20b NIV)
Faith. In the Son of God.
If you met me today, you might not expect that I spent many years adamantly hating the God I thought was talked about in church. I remembered hearing as a kid that He was a jealous God, and we should fear him. That sounded scary to a little girl. Combine that with the fact that every relationship I’d been in had been jealous and abusive. Why would I want to worship a God who would hurt me too? Whenever my mom would tell me she was praying for me, I always said, “Don’t. He’s not a nice dude. Don’t say my name to Him. Don’t say His name to me either.”
While I was hating God and hating my name, He still loved me. Every day, I see different ways He is redeeming the scars of my life to bring others out of darkness and to bring Him glory. I live by faith in the Son of God who has been so gracious to set an example of humility. I live by faith in my Creator who provided for me and sheltered me—always—especially when I was hating who I thought He was.
Now, I’m Spirit-led.
I’m the youngest of four girls. Each of us has eight letters in our names; mom’s does too. There wasn’t intentionality for eight-lettered names until the third daughter. In deciding the fourth daughter’s name, continuity was expected. However, the popular secular eight-letter names weren’t popular with my family. Someone suggested “Chrystal, with an H” instead of the traditional Crystal spelling. Everyone loved it. Everyone except the fourth daughter.
Growing up, my sisters all called me “Chrys,” So when I started kindergarten and roll was called, I acknowledged my presence when “Chris” was called… and my presence was mocked for confusing my name with a boy’s name. Hating the name I was given began.
A few years ago, I asked my sister to teach me the Bible. She’s worked in campus ministry and has loved Jesus way longer than me. I figured she was a good one to ask because her calendar was constantly full of “Coffee and Bible” appointments with students, and I wanted to get on her schedule. Inside she was screaming, “Hallelujah!”, but on the outside, she didn’t want to scare away the curious lost sheep. Slowly, she began revealing ancient truths in Scripture.
The day we were studying Genesis 17 where the LORD established His covenant with Abram and changed his name to Abraham, my eyes were opened to how long God has been loving me. LORD in Hebrew is written as four consonants (YHWH). YHWH is the proper name for God. YHWH is the literal breath of life. Without vowels in the Hebrew translation for YHWH, the pronunciation was unknown.
YaH – inhale
WeH – exhale
YHWH—The LORD added an H to Abram’s name and to Sarai´s. He was giving Abram and Sarai a forever reminder of His presence and a promise of covenant to provide for and multiply Abraham and Sarah’s descendants.
I paused. Putting the pieces together. An H. There’s an H in my name. Pausing in my thought to open my mouth and half ask/half state that’s why there’s an H in my name, a realization hit me: He’s always been with me, even when I hated Him. My sister and I started crying as we let this acceptance of love to and from my Eternal Father wash over us.
Now I love my name. I celebrate it. More of my old self dies each day as I wake up new and excited for His mercies. I wake up and wonder where the LORD will have me share His many mercies and blessings in my life.