Written by Elina Vath, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Ohio
I have tried to sit down and write multiple times. I’ve questioned what on earth possessed me to choose the topic of “toxic relationships: personal application” even more. I wouldn’t call what I’m feeling “writer’s block” because it’s more of a “writer’s paralysis.” Describing what God has taught me through my experience with toxic relationships means digging in holes that are filled in and covered with grass. It means going to places where I never wanted to return.
But Jesus. My mind goes to Him.
Jesus doesn’t get to forget His relationship with those knowledgeable men in fancy robes who were supposed to back Him up and demanded He be murdered instead. He doesn’t get to forget that one of His closest friends sold Him out for a small satchel of coins. Rather, Jesus ensured that these toxic relationships are documented multiple times, by multiple people—and preserved over the centuries for millions to know.
The pool of evidence that Jesus was on the receiving end of toxicity from those around Him is extensive.
No one knows narcissism, manipulation, deceit, and treachery like Jesus. Those of us who have front-row experience with any or all of these forms of dysfunction can claim that the One we follow knows exactly how it feels. We serve the God-man who sees our suffering, the betrayal, and the hurt, and empathizes. If nothing else I write about gives comfort, let this be it: When we approach Him in prayer, talk to Him, and pour our hearts out to Him, He feels our pain and then promises to give us peace that is beyond understanding.
But what about me?
We live in a fallen world where we are constantly navigating toxicity in our relationships. And none of us are guiltless of exhibiting toxic behaviors. We have all said or done things of a toxic nature. Maybe you were the instigator, maybe you were reacting to something that hurt you. Whatever the situation, identifying your own toxic traits is a huge part of the healing process. I can say for myself that growing and deciding, “I’m not who I used to be,” has been empowering. So, embrace the power of God to transform you, and relish in being someone different now—someone who resembles Jesus a little more.
But they haven’t changed.
There are times when toxic relationships cannot be cut out of your life entirely. When this happens, the healing process will happen again. And again. And again. Because the hurting, manipulation, etc., will not stop. But remember, you have changed. You see through the toxicity. You have changed the patterns of your behavior. You don’t process the daggers the same way you used to, and they don’t have the same effect on you anymore. Don’t let the repeated negative experiences wear you down. Instead, see them as opportunities to get stronger, to build your character. You will see that, in time, the healing will come more quickly.
But I’m weak sometimes.
I hear you, sister. We’ll both take steps back. We’ll both have moments when we revert back to the way we used to be. But hang on. You’ll get better at catching yourself. Laying your weakness at God’s feet means He’ll give you what you need in exchange. Don’t get discouraged in moments of weakness. God doesn’t run out of mercy and grace, and He loves it when you come to Him for help.
My heart goes out to you. I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Cheering you on as you heal!