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Written by Meagan Adams, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in McRae, Arkansas
Some relationships are easy; some are hard. The pandemic exposed many conflicts that were seething under the surface. We’ve divided into “us” versus “them” camps on so many levels. Does anyone else feel that were experiencing another Babel, where we don’t even speak the same language? I felt the relationship challenges most keenly when our adult daughter moved home last fall. After being out of work for nearly a year due to the pandemic, her savings were depleted. We offered her our house to live in. “Not to worry,” said we, “we’re going back to Greece in a couple of weeks and you’ll have the house to yourself.” Virus variants developed, countries experienced new waves of cases, regulations and travel options continually changed. Somehow, a couple of weeks turned into three months.
It’s never easy when an adult child moves home. It’s especially challenging when that adult child has developed a world view vastly different from your own. Every conversation turned into a debate, and I found myself afraid to open my mouth because I felt like I didn’t even speak the same language. I spent a lot of time praying, asking for new ways to relate. I’m still waiting for an epiphany. Things improved, but the relationship challenge is still there – which is not necessarily a bad thing. You see, when our daughter lived away it became easy not to engage at all beyond the surface level. Living together, this was not possible. Even if it’s not easier, the relationship is better because something is actually going on.
I recently thought of a parable in which Jesus uses a family in conflict to relate a spiritual truth. Luke 15: 11-32 tells the story that we commonly call “The Prodigal Son.” Ultimately, it’s about God’s redemption of all people, even those that might be considered unworthy, but we can learn some lessons about family in the story as well. A man has two sons – the easy kid and the hard kid (I’m paraphrasing here). When the “hard kid” asks for his inheritance early, I’m sure the father knew he wasn’t really ready for it. He also knew his son well enough to realize that deterring him would be counterproductive. And so, he let him go. The danger was real; I’m sure we all know stories of prodigals who never returned.
But we, like our Father, cannot force change on those we see going down a destructive path. The change must come from within. We wait, we love, and we watch, as the father in the parable does. Luke’s story has a happy middle when the younger son returns home. Relationship is restored. But, alas, joy is cut short. The older son, the “easy kid,” is resentful. Will the older son get over it? Will his resentment continue to fester? The story ends with this issue still hanging. The father is back to the waiting game. He tells him, “Son, you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours,” (Luke 15:31, ESV) but he can’t force a change to the older son’s heart. All he can do is wait, and love, and watch for the opportunity to connect again.
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Written by Kim Solis, volunteer with Iron Rose Sister Ministries in Milwaukie, Oregon
I never saw it coming.
I was taught how to be a child and to obey my parents, though I did not always do so, as I sought to do my will and not theirs.
I was advised on how to be a young wife, to respect my husband, though sometimes my impulses lead me into other directions.
I took classes about how to be a mother, to raise my children in the discipline of the Lord, though I have often wondered if I have really done the job, I could have or should have.
Relationships shift and settle as we grow and mature. Experiences and trials shake us up and we have to adapt and change. But, for the most part, we are prepared, if not with tools, at least with knowledge that change is coming.
We know that we will grow up and become independent from our parents.
We know that our marriage will suffer ups and downs and that we can’t take it for granted and that we will have to work at it to make it last.
We know our children will grow and that our relationship with them will also change as they make their own decisions, even ones that we are not completely in agreement with.
But who really talks about the relationship with parents who increasingly become more and more dependent on us as they grow old and their bodies (and sometimes minds) begin to fail?
I’m almost 50. I have been independent from my parents for 3 decades. I have been married for 27 years and we’re at a good, stable, solid place in our marriage. We have raised children and am now enjoying the expanding family as they seek their hearts’ mates and contemplate their own future families. My role as mom is being redefined, and it is a process that is both beautiful and fearful, and immensely satisfying.
But, no one told me. No one warned me. Nothing prepared me for the fact that as I see my own children fly the nest and I contemplate this new stage of life, that I would again be mom. Not for my children, but for my mother.
Honor your mother and your father. (Ephesians 6:2, among others)
We always talk about honoring our parents as obeying them while we are young. But how do we honor them when they are old?
As her health fails, I am constantly being redefined. The obedient daughter who serves as needed, yet making decisions like a mom, making sure all is in order and taken care of.
I can do that. I did it for my kids, I can take care of mom. But no one told me about how my heart would hurt to see the woman who was always so strong, so sure, suddenly weak and forgetful. She was my rock and now she needs me.
It is easy to become irritated, to snap back and be impatient. She is not a child. She should be able to do basic things for herself. She always has before. But times have changed and are continually changing.
What does it mean to honor my mother in this stage of life?
Paul’s words to the Galatians give me direction in this, as well in all relationships I have:
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (Galatians 5:22-26, NIV)
Sometimes, if I am honest, I don’t want this new role. I want my mom to continue to take care of me; I don’t want to take care of her. But it isn’t about what I want. It is about what she needs. She is my mom. The one who took care of me when I could not take care of myself. It is my turn to do what God calls me to do, and the Spirit will give me strength.
It is not the time to treat my mom with impatience, exasperation, authority, and harshness.
I love her. It is a joy to have these times together. I am at peace with what will come, knowing that it is all in God’s hands. I will be patient, giving her the space and calmness to do the things that now are difficult for her. I will treat her with kindness, goodness, and gentleness… faithfully as long as she needs. I have to practice self-control for those times when her weakness causes her to lash out, and above all else, continually place her and myself in God’s hands.
I have understood, through this and other lessons this past year, that it is not about what we live, but HOW we live it. This is not what I would have chosen to live during this past year. But I am living it with great joy and peace, thankful for the opportunity to serve and to honor my mother, as God has asked us to.
Is there something you can do today to honor your mother and father?