I really enjoy reading the blog emails from Iron Rose Sister Ministries (IRSM). They have inspired and taught me so much, and I am thankful for all of those involved in this precious ministry. I had an opportunity to meet Michelle Goff in person last month at the Women Walking With God conference in Wichita, Kansas, and we got to talking about IRSM and their emails. I got very excited when I learned that not only was she looking for contributors but also that the word for May was transformation. I believe my words to her were, “Have I got a story for you!” So, here it goes.
I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember and have had my share of ups and downs along the way in my journey. I have lost many people that I love. I struggle with an anxiety disorder and depression. My father-in-law, whom I love, committed a crime and is now incarcerated. I struggle with my weight and many other health problems. I don't tell you this for you to feel sorry for me but so you may see something in me that you can identify with and can understand the change and transformation I have undergone.
In 2011, I weighed over 314 pounds, and felt terrible about myself. I knew God, my husband, and my family and friends loved me, but I struggled with accepting it and loving myself. Two family members encouraged me to join them in losing weight, and I am excited to say after a four year period I have lost 157 pounds, half of my body weight. However, though I see this accomplishment as a major transformation, it is not the transformation I want to share with you today. It is how my identity and how I saw myself transformed through God's love that is today's message.
At the end of my weight loss journey, I made a discovery. I looked in the mirror and saw myself as slender and pretty but the funny thing was I still was stuck thinking myself as a “fat” and undesirable person. Who could love me? Again, I have many people in my life who do love me and a wonderful Heavenly Father who has always been there for me, but I had told myself and believed Satan's lies that I was nothing and not worthy of love unless I was perfect for so long that it was hard to get past those thoughts and change them. I wanted to be the perfect Christian, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, friend, teacher, etc.
The ironic thing was that, in order to lose the weight, my mantra was “The goal is progress, not perfection.” This helped me shed the pounds, and it even helped with my anxiety from time to time, but I still struggled. In the end, I had to shed my identity and realize that I had been changed, not by losing weight but by what Christ did for me and how God saw me as His beautiful and beloved daughter.
I can never be perfect in myself or in what I do, but He makes me perfect, even in my weakness. I came to this realization through reading about Paul in the Bible. He had thorns/weaknesses. As he writes in 2 Corinthians 12, “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
My body is still not perfect. I have extra skin and still struggle with my anxiety, but I have learned to love myself because God loves me just the way I am. He has transformed my mind to see past my weaknesses and to see myself the way that He made me and to find my perfection in Christ. I still focus daily on progress, not because I want to earn perfection but because it honors God and I know He wants me to take care of the body He has given me and to be able to share my story, His story, with others. I would not have been able to accomplish what I did on my own but only through Him.
So I would ask you as I close: In what way(s) do you need to let go of your version of perfect and let God transform your mind and identity?
